With your bird in hand it makes it hard to blow your nose. Any man who lets the woman on top is fucking up.Any man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.Baby conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission, grow up to be a shiftless bastard.Girls should not marry basketball players - they dribble before they shoot.I used to have a handle on life but it broke off. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship. Women are always telling us Guys ... just because you have a dick doesn't mean you have to be one. Well Girls that works two ways, just because you have a Cunt doesn’t mean you have to be one either.Some people just don't know how to drive. I call these people "Everybody But Me." Try not to let your mind wander it is too small and fragile to be out by itself. Heart Attacks ... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.So you don't like my driving. Then quit watching me.Impotence ... Just Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings."If you can read the note in my back car window I can slam on my brakes and sue you.Get off the chat line and go look at some good porn! Welcome to America, now speak fucking English or get out! Everyone has a photographic memory ... some just don't have any film.The proctologist called, they found your head.Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you are an fucking useless twit of an asshole.Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.Birds of a feather flock together and then poop on your car. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. A penny saved is a government oversight. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. He who hesitates is probably right. Did you ever notice this? The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL." If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar after work. Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.Ok, who farted? A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh.” Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law. Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan. You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!
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