I'm gonna survive or die trying. I've got a plan so sharp you could pick your teeth with it. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people. If God had meant us to travel economy class, he would have made us narrower. If I'm ignorant, that's the first I've heard of it! If ignorance is bliss, I guess that would explain why I'm so miserable! If it were truly the thought that counted, more women would be pregnant. Iguana: The other green meat. Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a sense of humor to console him for what he is. In the beginning was the word. And the word was "Aardvark". It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but only if no betting is involved. It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them. It takes a village to raise a child, but it takes a Viking to raze a village. It's a little known fact that the Dark Ages were caused by unresolved Y1K issues. It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end. It's so cold here; the lawyers have their hands in their own pockets! Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow. Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor. Leave road kill for the next car. Life - it's nothing like the Brochure! Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off. Monarchs are acceptable, but we draw the line at Rulers. Monogamy leaves a lot to be desired. Much can be achieved with a smile. Admittedly, much more can be achieved with a smile and a gun. My greatest fear in life is that no-one will remember me after I'm dead Oh Lord give me patience... NOW! On the Friday the 13th/halloween horror flicks those kids are so easy to kill, you could strangle them with a cordless phone Only one shopping day left until tomorrow! Only Users Lose Drugs... Opportunity knock only once, if you hear a second knock it's probably a Jehovah's Witness. Pave the planet! One world. One people. One slab of asphalt. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. Possessive ??? Me?? Nah, I was just sick the day they discussed sharing in Kindergarten.Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver. Refuse Novocain... Transcend Dental Medication. Remember my name you'll be screaming it later!! Repaint! Repaint! And never thin again! Roses are Red, Violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I! Save A Tree, Wipe Your Ass With An Owl!Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it. Seen on a fly swatter, 'Pest Doctors - All our patients die. Use this until we get there.' Sheep don't fly so much as plummet. So you say money doesn't motivate you. What does? I'll buy it for you! Some people have a way with words, while others use their thingy. Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up. Never trust a man who, when left alone in a room with a tea cosy, doesn't try it on! Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it Necrophilia means never having to say... well, anything! Never knock on Death's door. Ring the doorbell and run (he hates that) Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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