Give a jackass an education and you get a smartass. Now that food has replaced my sex life, I can't even get into my own pants! Happiness is like peeing yourself, everyone can see it but only u can feel its warmth! On a scale between one to ten, you're an idiot! A new study shows that licking the sweat off a frog can cure depression. The down side is, the minute you stop licking, the frog gets depressed again! Alex, I'll take 'Things Only I Know' for $200.AOL for Dummies is kind of redundant, don't you think? I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!If these pills don't stop the kleptomania, said the psychiatrist, try and get me a nice video camera. It's all coming back to me now, said the blind man as he peed into the wind. Streakers *repant* your end is in sight. The game of catch has never been so much fun claims the inventor of the hand grenade. What do you take me for, an idiot? said General Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970), when a journalist asked him if he was happy.Tis a brave man who wears the kilt in January. When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you. 37% of Americans agree that while they would hate being British, they wouldn't mind having a British accent. 47.5% of all statistics are made up on the spot. 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions. 60% of Americans say that, if they could push a button that would make Larry King disappear, they would keep pushing it and not stop. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. A friend in need is a friend indeed, but a friend with weed is better. A hush fell over the courtroom, injuring six. A major company just developed a new paint called Blondo, it's not too bright and it spreads easily. A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... A rock --> me <-- A hard place A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop. A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. A wolf in sheeps clothing needs professional help. Above all else: Sky. Absence makes the heart grow fungus. Adam met Eve and turned over a new leaf. Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age.All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But if the doctor's cute, screw the fruit.An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Analyzing humor is like analyzing a frog: you can do it, but the frog tends to die in the process. And God said, "Let there be light", and there was light. And everyone said, "Hey, cool! Do You do parties?" And he disappeared in a puff of logic. Any twelve people who can't get themselves out of jury duty are not my peers. Anything in parenthesis can (not) be ignored. Assassins do it from behind. At least Congress doesn't make death worse every year. Bacon and eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. Be alert - the world needs more lerts. Because of the California Power Crisis, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. Bill and Hillary Clinton are on a sinking ship, who gets saved? The nation. Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. Broken promises don't bother me at all. I just wonder why they keep believing me.
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