Friday, June 29, 2007

George Carlin One Liners, the craziness of it all

1 comment:

George Carlin Quotes said...

If it ain't broke, break it. 

Hard work is for people short on talent.

We have mileage, yardage, and footage. Why don't we have inage? 

My watch stopped. I think I'm down a quartz. 

Why are there no recreational drugs taken in suppository form? 

Imagine meeting your maker and finding out it's Frito-Lay. 

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. 

I choose toilet paper through a process of elimination. 

I think you ought to be able to lease a dog. 

What exactly is "diddley squat?"

If the bouncer gets drunk, who throws him out? 

This year is the two-millionth anniversary of sperm. 

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 

A laugh is a smile with a hole in it. 

When are they gonna come up with some new Christmas carols? 

Santa is satan spelled inside out.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?

Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help "groups"?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

If space is a vacuum who changes the bags?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do blind people know when they are done wiping?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.