A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money. A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for. After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death. Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy. I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to. I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. I like children. Properly cooked. I never vote for anyone I always vote against. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. There's no use being a damn fool about it.Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.Never give a sucker an even break. Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water. Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation. Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. Women are like Elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
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