Sure women like football before you marry 'em. But afterwards, the only hike you see is them hiking up their pants before they weld their backsides to the couch ... and talking about flying wench, let's talk about my mother-in-law. People overuse the term 'as big as the planet' but try to imagine everybody you know under one mumu...
People who sell shoes to fat women in skirts should not have 20/20 vision.
I've got two TV Guides. One on the table and one in the bathroom I'm rich! I would rather sleep in a bunk bed under Oprah! If you want something fixed right, get an ugly guy to do it. I'm jealous of everyone not married to you. Come on baby. We've got things to do; eyes to blindfold and babies to make. It never quite the same when you're sober, is it? I saw a star in the East. Peg, did you do laundry? I'm Maharaja Bundy and women with 4 hooters feed me Ding Dongs all day. I love you, Peg... Just kidding! She's got you shaking like a Frenchman in a thunderstorm. Now son, look here, these redwood-trees they're over a thousand years old. I'm gonna cut me one of these down and use for a base for my satellite dish. Well, it beats going to Hawaii with your mother. What was I thinking when I said 'I do' ? I'd already had sex with her so I didn't need that again. Why go out for milk when you've got a cow at home. Every now and then a guy who drive a Dodge likes to close his eyes and imagine it's a Ferrari. HOOTERS, HOOTERS - YUM YUM YUM; HOOTERS, HOOTERS - ON A GIRL THAT IS DUMBHey, Marcy, what's holding the towel up? I never wanted to get married, I got married. Never wanted kids, I have 2 of them. Why the hell am I here? Remember our motto: We ain't got it. Standing here with my loving family, I wonder why I'm running from the axe. I'm going back to Chicago; where I only die a little every day. Envy me. That's my wife. Those are my kids and I sell women’s shoes. It must be your mother. Tell her I said 'oink'. Peg, did your mother get so fat she spread across the border? I'm not paying for mistakes. I've been doing that since I got married. I'd invite you in but instead I think I'll just beat the crap out of you. I'm married with children. Strike!! * It's only a game if you win but if you lose it's a stinking waste of time. If God had wanted women to play ball, he would've made them men. Guys may come and guys may go, but daddy's always daddy... well, at least until he jumps a freight train. Peg, is there any reason this cactus is where my alarm clock should be? I had a dream last night. A big red haired mosquito in tight pants was hovering over me sucking money out of my wallet. Only one woman, too much time. We're closed and, much like my life, the day is over. Peg, could you get that? It's probably the 'Homeless? It could be worse!' Tour. This is my week off, so pack up, get the kids and I'll see you in a week. There's only one dead guy in this mall and you're looking at him. Why is it that Elvis is dead but I'm in hell? We all have to live with our disappointments... I have to sleep with mine. I'm gonna find a real man. One who likes girls and hates women. Something sinister going on so I know a woman's behind it. There are two things that the Bundy's don't do. We don't eat vegetables and we don't tap. Life didn't pass me by, it sat on my head. I'm so hungry I could eat a horse. Since I'm not home, I won't have to. Love is not only blind but stupid. Computers and women are ruining the country. Dead men don't wake up yelling 'don't'. If you want to have sex, the kids have to leave, and if you want it to be good, you'll have to leave. In order for a house to be a home, only one can make the rules. *Threats don't work on me... I've already been to hell. How would I know, I never look at you! Look at your mother, you've got her so worried she's looking every bit her 50 years. Peg, I suspect your mind, much like the lost continent of Atlantis, no longer appears on any map. I'd rather dive of the Sears Tower head first into a thumbtack or bait a crocodile with my manhood... Here comes our baby now. Let's call him Insano. Not quite as old as the hair on your legs... I'm so upset I can hardly eat this sandwich. I would like to plant a shovel right between her barren eyes. You see kids, it was a dream and you were replaced by two six packs in the refrigerator. I hate those tests. They are designed to bury men. If he slept with you, he's the stupidest man on earth. Run like Mexican water through a first-time tourist. Telling Al Bundy is just like telling the wind. I blame it on TV myself. You give him a bottle of redeye and a Playboy and he'll marry your mother to a cow. What's five million years in the scheme of the life of one man? This cheese means more to me than both your lives. Peg, when you married me, was it pre-meditated or a drive-by marriage. Home, work, can a man have too much fun? Kelly, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love. I will show him the same kind of respect that any father would show a 41-year-old man who dates his teenage daughter. Am I truly nothing? Could the neighborhood children be right? We could always have another daughter, but as we both know, this is the car I'm going to have the rest of my life. Oh. life is good! But not for me... White crosses, sunlight... nothing works on you anymore does it? Soon our mouths will be alive with dead animals of every race and religion. You've desecrated the toilet I call home! I don't know what we're put on this planet to do but we're here damn it! You might be wondering what a 25-year-old millionaire is doing with a 18-year-old daughter? My weenies have been exposed! What's for dinner tonight in the slammer, guys? I was driving home... God knows why? Gee, none of my family was of any help to me, how unusual. Except for the day before the day I met you, this is the happiest day of my life. Lets go! Last one to your house gets to sit next to my wife! Oh mighty one in the heavens who created the mountains, the seas and beer... Next to a dog, a beautiful woman is the thing to be. I don't HAVE to go to sleep after sex. I WANT to go to sleep after sex. I welcome the darkness. Be gone jackals! Yo! I'm broke! I'm sorry Peg. I saw some underwear I just had to have. How proud can a father be? Now wait a second. My pretty teenage daughter with the brain of a fruit fly earned a thousand dollars in three nights. Should I be worried? Say goodnight, super-fly! Stand back pumpkin. He's just about to pop and I don't want teeth and eyes all over you. I'll get that money even if I'll have to dance naked in the streets! I'm a living example of how the brain really doesn't need blood to work. Hey, everything looks like noodles in here! They call me Flipper... Flipper... Seems like I do what I was knowing then, boy. This table will self-destruct in 5 seconds... I'll hold him down and you'll take his wallet. Are they gonna find US with our legs up in the air? Now kids, we're not here to attack each other. We're here to attack the baby. I don't know... The last thing I remember a frying pan bounced of my head. I wouldn't rub your feet if a Genie popped out of them. Kids take a good long look. This is worth a thousand condom commercials. Kids, don't look back. We'll all be salt. Where's my remote control !?! I'm afraid I may not know what cool is anymore. Al Bundy is back!!! *Oh, look at the starving children. Whoa man, now we're having fun! You may as well bore me with your problems... I'm still giddy with the thought that possibly, just possibly, I might have sat at the same toilet seat as Bob Hope.Of cause my present lack of fait is understandable since your average parking meter makes more a day than I do. It's show business. You don't need talent OR brain. I left high school, lost the will to live and here I am... May the shoe-business take you all! * I'm married to a woman named ...... something. Peg, you know I warned you before about touching me. Marcy, the part with the cups goes in front. I'm gonna give this to the only one I truly love... me! Laugh at this, hyenas! There is so much that I wanna say to you but there's a show coming on that I wanna watch. Why doesn't the world die? I want my TV Guide!!! The only power I sensed was that of the mighty forces unleashed by beans. Please, Peg, if you have any feelings for me, don't make me make love to you. I've learned to live on well nothing. Greetings vultures! Your meal ticket is here. And no one understands why I scream on the way home... Peg we've been married for 17 years. Can't we just be friends? A man's home is his coffin. Don't let these slits on my wrists fool you. Health people are like dinosaurs. They're not fit to survive. Anything that's good enough for the cockroach is good enough for my family. I'm hungry enough to block a colon. You can spend some quality-time at the newsstand reading dirty magazines. Honey... you're an idiot! A stallion like me only comes around once a year. Oh, if only a man could have two wives. Milwaukee. That's the town they build around you mother isn't it, Peg? Wait a minute, I think I've just had a vision! I see you're all looking at me a bit differently now. The opera isn't over until the last heterosexual falls asleep. None today! Tomorrow, twice as much! This is not a recorded message. I'm a human being, damn it! I begged for the death penalty but they insisted that I'd learn a lesson. I work in a shoe-store and still I'm not happy to come home. You go home and tell your daddy you have the mail man's eyes. Don't look at me, I'm blind from hunger. Put your feet up folks, it's getting pretty deep in here. The last thing a guy wants to look at the end of the day is a woman. How about if I get my gun and shoot you with a nice silver bullet. No one can resist a shoe-salesman. I'm the only guy in the world who has to wake up to have a nightmare. I deserve to be punished, I married your mother. What if I make you a nice license plate that says 'I'm a bore' ? Pretty good for a guy stupid enough to marry you, huh ? Another hallmark moment! If I could just help one kid not marry, my job is done. I hate to go to sleep with the smell of feet on my hands. Revenge... is great! Behind every successful man is a woman who didn't marry me. Let's bowl! Peg, this is your birthday, please don't make me kill you! We are blood-Bundys. We are truly doomed. I truly, truly want to die! Alright now, everybody... shoot me! This news is so big I even want the girl to hear it... Nothing's to good for me... I haven't showered in a week so I think I better get right to bed... I miss my couch! Don't make me kill you on family-day. Let's boogie! ...who cares, it's free! Take me to your finest bathroom! Ah, home sweet hell. If I was the mailman, I'd be having your wife. Christmas is not the time for regrets. That's what anniversaries are for. I can't sleep with that damn woman in my bed! Back then, mother meant cooking but then gay meant happy. I'm born and bred to be a shoeman. I'm a shoe man, born and bred, dammit. *This is a fine mess. She's an idiot and the smart one's mad at us. Congratulations Peg, you've just won a trip to Disney Fist. I hate my life ... can't eat, can't sleep, can't bury my wife in the backyard. That's all I need. Work all day with the Beaver and come home to you. I didn't steal your bra! Today is the first day of the end of your life. Don't look at me, I wasn't even awake. The brain doesn't need blood. It just needs to be kept wet. If you need me I'll be at the nudie bar. Ok, here's another idea. Let's toss this in the oven and see if it bakes. There's a shoe-salesman in the 23rd century. It's called Shoe Trek. Peg, you can stab me with knives, you can beat me with clubs, you can make me open my eyes when we're having sex but there's no way on earth you can make me get a second job. Let me explain. It's just like an elevator. There's a 2-ton weight limit on those shoes... This is a sex free house and by God it will be for the rest of my life. I've lived and I've loved... later on I even married. You know I never danced unless it was gonna get some sex for me. That's a good one, God! It's not everyday an uncle dies and the coroner forgets to lock his house. It gets better each time as long as it's never with the same woman. A man is a man all his life. A woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. Six bucks is too much money to spend on any woman. Well, I chalked up some more frequent loser miles today. I've got a woman so lame that she actually thinks that when I groan during sex it has anything to do with her. Thank god she can't eat me! Just say no to marriage. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay but you never get anything back. If dynamite was dangerous, do you think they'd sell it to an idiot like me. It's bad enough that I know we're married, do we have to let the whole world know? I married you 'til death do us part. So when I'm dead, I'm free to date. God, for once I'm actually glad to be home. We haven't had any kids in over 10 years. I must be doing something right. *Oh, Lord, if I ever meant anything to you, please let me fall asleep before she thinks of sex. Marriage stinks, have a kid. Kid stinks, have another kid. *Sure selling shoes is fun. But behind the glamour, it's like any other minimum wage slow death. Sorry, Peg, I didn't hear you. I was thinking of killing myself. To know me is to love me. That's what being a man is like: making mistakes and not caring.Oh, it won't kill me, Peg. That's your job!!! Burned Beyond Recognition??? Why can't these bands have cool names like when we were kids? Band like Nineteen Ten Fruitgum Company"!If your life was any easier you'd be in an urn in the ground!Don't quit your day couch, Peg!Oh yeah, this could happen.Well you had a good time, mine pretty much blew chunks.Is there anybody with a worse job than mine?The home shopping network! There's a good idea for women! It was a little too hard driving to the mall with a couch strapped to their ass!!!It's amazing! They don't even have gravity in Wanker County but they have the home shopping network!!!Marcy's niece? She must be from the unfeathered side of the family!This wouldn't be a bad job if people didn't come in here!Well, with a name like Leslie I think you’re a sissy!!!He's my son!!! Don't you think I know he stinks?!!Stop!!! Daddy's got a new pair of shoes!!!Don't eat the croissant!!!In ten days we bowl for the championship, which means we start intense training! Twinkies, Ding Dongs and Beer are in, protect your bowling arm at all times! Sex before the match is out! ...Unless of course you can keep it secret from the wives.This is gonna work out great for me except one thing... She's gonna want some sex!Marcy, We're having a new addition to our family!Jumping Jehosafat I'm a hunk!!!Your life is meaningless compared to Hondo!!!How about Elmo the Human Surprise, is he coming?I welcome death!I saw your mother naked and everything went black!!! I think my eyes were trying to protect my heart!!!5000 bucks for a Barbie doll ?? A real woman isn't worth that much.Marcy show them, as only you can, that the female body is not to be appreciated, but to be feared, reviled, and in the case of most of you, kept totally covered at all times.
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